Dear Abyss.

Oh, my dear sweet abyss...I feel like I just need to write and vent and try to relax just a bit.

There are points in life where all you feel you can do is scream, or cry, or scream and cry. I don't know why, but these last few weeks have been hard hitting, and it won't end until spring break, probably. I understand life is full of busyness and work and that we just have to get through it, and sometimes life is more work than play, but I just feel like I'm totally done with school and such.

I've had discussions with both my mom and with Michael, and it bothers me how this university, though it claims that this is such an amazing Catholic institution, yet in the people who come here, it doesn't necessarily seem that way. My mom pointed out, how much more in other institutions. Maybe it's because some of my values are different than my friends at other colleges and universities, but it just seems like they don't have the same issues I have here. Issues of people not being the best versions of themselves...or if they are, then that's scary that that's the best they can be.

It's not just the people here that have disappointed me, but different programs and expectations that have let me down. Ever since my brother was an RA (when I was eleven) I wanted to be an RA. Freshman year, my RA, Katie Kerr, changed my life. She is one of the most awesome people, and still checks up on me, and that meant a lot to me. This furthered my wanting to be an RA, and yet, I will not be one because of some dorm issues and some other issues...and this breaks my heart so much.

I came to Notre Dame because of ND Vision, thinking that I would be one of those college counselors, like John Paul, and Nikki, and Eric, and everyone else. Yet, I've tried three years to no avail. I feel like trying again next year, but that I still won't get it. And it makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm not "pretty" or that I'm short or that I "look funny" because they make us submit a photo with our application, which makes me feel like we're judged on our looks, which doesn't seem Catholic to me.

I came to Notre Dame thinking I'd be joining this great community, this community of people who was a family, a family I wanted to belong to. A place where there was great fellowship and faith. Yet, the following happened: I was a part of the Freshman Peer Leader program, but had to discontinue due to working two jobs (a point i'll touch upon next). There was a retreat for FPL members coming up, and I still wanted to be a part of it because I thought it'd be cool. This is the response I got, "Since you are no longer a part of the Freshman Peer Leader program, you are not allowed to attend the FPL retreat." Uh, discrimination much? Whatever happened to being Catholic and understanding and acceptance?

Another thing that I am so frustrated about is the gap between the rich kids and the poor kids, it was there, and it wasn't bad, but now it just seems worse from the current economic situation. My boyfriend's father passed away, and before then, it wasn't like they were rolling in the millions, either...but that makes him responsible for paying for the house and the car and insurance and bills and everything...I work two jobs and am currently looking for a third job as well as try to maintain good grades while taking 20 credits so that I can pay off student loans, with over $2000 in interest already...yeah, interest. Then there are the students here who are rich because their parents came here and were successful, or their parents are just rich. Kids who don't realized how lucky and blessed to be here. Kids who get a mercedes for their 16th birthday. Of course there are people who have money and still have a level head...but really, the gap between the rich and poor here can be so apparent, and so hard on us that try to work and work just so that we have a chance at a life that others have without working at it.

The weird thing about this experience here is that though I dislike school here, or people here, or some of the policies or programs here...I still love Notre Dame and am so proud to be a part of it...but the Notre Dame I love is the Notre Dame the public sees, the Notre Dame that everyone is in awe of the fact that I attend school here. The Notre Dame that is prestigious and pays for students to come here based on need (yea, except it's only based on income, with no look at debt and medical bills), helping students foot the bill...guaranteeing that every student can and will receive aid if needed...and in full, if need be.

The university that I'm proud to be apart of is an ideal...but the reality is something far from this ideal. Is this ideal unachievable? Or has it been achieved and I'm blind to see it? Do I have too high of expectations? There are so many other things that bother me, maybe they are all little things and they've all added up, who knows...all I know is that life here has been frustrating because it seems like there are contradictions all around me.